my first love and the scar

Hi, I'm Mahirah.

I really miss my black hair :(

I don't get it.

I really don't get the fact that some guys can be so nice to girls!

He can treat her like a princess, he can make her happy even though she's sad, make her smile even though she's angry and care for her like a lover.

But in the end, he came to her and told her that he's in love with someone else or worst he has a new girlfriend.

For me, guys treat me like a princess for a moment but left me for another girl.

:(

I guess I'm just an unlucky soul in this world where I can't have a relationship with anybody.

I told myself I won't fall in love with this/ that guy.

But in the end I did.

And when I realised I did, he left me.

It's not once but thrice.

3times, I've been fooled and betrayed by love.

Maybe I'm too dumb.

My heart...

I don't know what to say about it.

I can't seem to be serious about love anymore.

I can have small crushes on random people but I can never love someone.

I can miss someone but I can never want to be with someone.

I can like someone but I can never be committed to someone.

When will I learn to love, want to be with someone and be committed to someone?

When will that day come?

I guess it'll never come because I'm too afraid to let my heart be at risk again.

I've taken too many risks that my heart isn't emotionally well.

I'm too dumb to have taken those risks back in the past.

But who am I to blame but myself.

I used to wanna be in a relationship with you but I was afraid.

When I wasn't afraid you left me and told others how ugly I was.

:(

Why?

WHY?

I told others I've moved on.

But I guess not, you know why?

Because I still remember the reason why I'm like this.

I'm smiling with a guy beside me who cares for me but all I think of was the pasts.

We teased each other when we met but my heart keeps on reminding me that my scar has not been healed.

When both of us were alone, you told me I've changed.

Yes, I've changed to be someone matured, smarter and true but one thing that has not changed is the scar you gave me when we turned out to be strangers.

I heard you had few relationships before we became 'close' again.

I was happy you've moved on but silly did I know I've not moved on.

Then along those times, I met another guy just like you.

He cared for me the way you did but you're much better.

He told me he'll wait for me.

But I've told him not to because I would never want to be with him.

I used 'V' as the reason why I don't want him but deep down I was still thinking about you.

Why did I think about you?

Because I wondered if I'll end up hurting myself again.

And yes, I did end up hurting myself for the same reason.

Believing that a guy will wait for me till I'm ready.

The funny thing was, I've moved on from that guy.

But still not from you.

Maybe because you're my first love.

Silly love, to be more precise.

I guess it's true that first love is unforgettable.

No, wait!

I've moved on from you but not the scar that you've given my heart.

Maybe after I've healed from that scar, I will able to love someone more hearted-ly and sincerely.

It's true that my first love was a pain.

All I want now is a LOVE that can make me feel more secure, happier and stronger.

If I believe I've met that kind of love, I won't let go.

Till then, I'll do my best in my single life.

Being single isn't so bad...

I can text, hang out and know any guy I want.

But I did not hang out with guys anymore other than the usual goofy no-use guys.

HEHE.

Some may call or label me as a bitch but I know I'm not because I've never had any intention of being in love with someone who has a r/s or someone who isn't serious.

I admit that I wasn't serious in the past but I was serious with him, only HIM.

I let go of others to be faithful to him but he left me.

We're just not compatible, I guess.

I used to entertain people but not now.

I guess I've changed.

But I've not moved on from the scar I gotten from my first love.

"When things go wrong, make it right by being true to yourself and accept it"

Hehe ^^

Tried this on firefox!

My cat is very cute though she's one annoying sexy and crazy cat version of bitch? LOL.

Thank you for reading :)

thanks for reading

Hi, I'm Mahirah.

I kept telling myself to be strong.

I'm afraid of everything around me.

What is wrong with me?

All the ugly pasts kept on haunting me day by day causing me to have lack of sleep and i feel shagged all the time though i haven't even start my day at all.

When will i stop being paranoid, scared and insecure? :|

What a pathetic soul, I am.

I'm in a very bad state.

So bad, that only i know how painful it is.

I am always laughing, smiling and joking around my friends but only i know how bad my state is that i think i could really go insane, wreck everything around me, without a warning. :(

Day by day, i kept on feeling bad, guilty and hatred towards myself.

I find myself pathetic when I look at myself in the mirror.

So pathetic that I am afraid of myself.

Till, i didn't really look at myself in the mirror for more than 5mins.

:(

Not only that, I think i am ugly.

Really really ugly.

I can never be pretty wait, I am never pretty :(

How can I be pretty when I have an ugly heart?

I will always have this ugly heart with me, no matter how hard i try to change my appearance or style.

Till the day, I told myself my heart isn't ulgy, that's the day i think i am pretty.

And will that day ever come?

NO, it will never come.

Because I have an ugly heart which can never turn to be pretty.

I have myself to blame for having an ugly heart :(

I guess I am born to be ugly :(

I own some pictures.

Here there are:

The day when the sisters went hungry and decided to have a small korean party style. hehe ^^

sister <3

I really love domo.

Have i told you that i bought domo's mechanical pencil and notebook?

<3 

work, work, work.

hi greeny rubbery-wirey hairband.

bath, bath, bath.

sushi, wasabi <3

And I love Mac's Breakfast ^^

I love my prepaid. HEHE ^^

A friend of mine made me feel guilty for saying i have an ugly heart when he mentioned this to me: Isn't it ironic that a girl has an ugly heart when she still cares about her loved ones although she, herself, is struggling with her own life?

:(

Whatever it is, I think I have an ugly heart.

My pasts tell it all.

Sadly, even my present too.

:(